Lindsey had surrendered herself to the idea that she would be addicted to heroin for the rest of her life. Her kids started living with her mom and she started living out of a car. By the time she was caught by the police, prayer and personal revelation seemed foreign to her. Then she discovered for herself that communication with God is the only hope for true recovery.
Step 11 - Personal Revelation: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.
Those who face addictions often struggle with the consequences of their choices for many years, sometimes for their whole lives. The outcomes that are portrayed in this video series do not reflect the possible range of outcomes that may be experienced by others. If you or someone you love is experiencing these challenges, or would like more information about addiction recovery, please visit addictionrecovery.lds.org.
You know, I was surrendered to the fact that I was going to be a heroin addict and a junkie.
And that's all I was. And there was nothing more to me.
I think she's in here.
And I was OK with that at that moment.
Mom, open the door!
Let us in!
We want to see if you're OK. Please, open the door!
Are you OK? Are you OK?
We want to see if you're OK. Mom!
I decided that my kids would probably be better off without me. I knew that they couldn't see me like that. And I couldn't keep doing that to them.
Please! Are you OK? Open it!
That was what made me shift and ask my mom to take my kids.
Let us in! Let us in!
Fast forward a little bit, or just during this time period, me and my boyfriend were living out of my car at the time. We did anything and everything to feed the addiction. I remember just thinking in my head, "When is this going to be over? When is this going to be over?" But I also was saying, "I need to do this so I can get my drugs and stay with my boyfriend."
I remember just something inside of me breaking. We'd pull off these side roads and try to make sure nobody would find us. I knew it was over in that moment. I do remember feeling a sense of relief because I knew I didn't want to live that life anymore. But I didn't know how to get out of it.
I just remember tossing and turning in that little cell, wanting to get out. And I remember being so sick. I mean, it was horrible. And I felt so unworthy of God's love--that He would even be willing or wanting to take the time to talk to somebody like me. Personal revelation and prayer and meditation just seemed so foreign to me.
But I remembered--how I grew up all came flooding back. And Primary songs came flooding back. "Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?" And that was the first prayer that I ever uttered in recovery. It was a song.
I think sometimes we think, "Oh, our prayers have to look a certain way, or they have to be formal, or have to be--kneel down in all gratitude." And don't get me wrong--I'm--gratitude is important. But He wants to hear our thoughts and our feelings. And He wants us to be authentic and be ourselves. And sometimes I might have some anger, and that's OK. And the Lord can take it. If He can't, who can?
And that's what step 11 is for me, and it is a maintenance step. It's something that I have to continue to do. But now it's something that I use every day--I have to use every day. It's my lifeline. It's the blood of my existence, of my recovery today.
I have since gotten my kids back. They get to learn those Primary songs that I learned. And I want them to always have that foundation that I had. And I get to put them to bed every night and tuck them in and kiss them good night and tell them I love them and that I'll be there in the morning. And that is a gift from recovery and from working these steps.